Friends

(A non proofread no edit post) Usually at the end of a phone conversation you click end on your cell phone. And thats the end of it. This conversation ended with just tossing the phone to the side and seeing the seconds increase as if the conversation were still going on. It's one of those where you don't want to hang up, but you feel hurt to where words would be just that, words. Usually words carry meaning, but sometimes you know when words coming without meaning or purpose. I decided to stay silent with so much to say. This is an immediate ramble post, and one speaking with emotion. I always felt the need to write off emotion as soon as possible because its the most truest thoughts being spilled out. Maybe sometimes a little over the top but nonetheless truth. How do you judge your friendships with people? Is it an X amount of time + Y amount of fun times = how good of a friend one is. Or is it X amount of conversations + Y amount of time they are there for you. Is it just the good vibe you get from them, the comfort, the easiness of being able to count on them. I'm thinking of how friendship is judged in my eyes. I judge mine on loyalty really, and by the amount of time the person has proved it. Obviously, naturally you must hang out with a person enough times for you guys to have that ease and comfort and knowing that the person is loyal. Do you have friends based on status? Could your best friend never be a drop out? Could your best friend never be a drug dealer? Does your best friend have to be a college grad? Does your best friend have to be exactly like you, or the opposite of you? I've had few best friends, the ones who have always been there are my blood. But along the days of my life, I've had people I consider my best friend, cause we clicked and I knew at the end of the day whatever I needed they would be there for me REGARDLESS of the situation. After trying to better my friend and not so much change him, but give him a future we have kinda distanced ourselves. Nothing really happened, and I think the loyalty is there which is something I respect more than anything. But I think we both realized we're headed different ways and he wasn't willing to come up, so I'd likely be falling if I didn't prioritize correctly. I've had other best friends who we became that over time, by being honest and real with one another about every situation. We want the best for one another and we got to telling each other so many like tight nit stories that nobody knows that we can literally trust one another with any piece of information. We also have common likes, and just click. No pressure or thinking of how one needs to act or something, its just all natural. Now what happens when lets say your best friend is of the opposite sex, and she gets in a relationship. You're known as the best friend, but from my observations doesn't it seem as if the best friend always falls way off. Like you guys used to be able to hang out no problem, but now theres jealousy theres constant questioning about your relationship with your best friend. And it seems as if coming down to it, you end up having to choose sides. Obviously the stronger more intimate feeling is with that person who you're with. But the other person has proved loyalty over time. What do you value more at this point? Ask yourself this as well, is your best friend going to be there for you when they get involved with someone else or they gonna cut you off. I'm all over the place in this post, but I don't plan on editing it. Cause I'm typing with almost no filter so I like this more. Now as your best friend, I will always want whats best for you, sometimes it may come off as hating. Honestly, I want what I feel is best for you, and will make you a better person. If I come to realize that I'm dragging you down because I'm not doing things right, then the ball is in your court do you choose to wait and try and lift me up with you? Or do you say you've only become a carry-on baggage that I no longer wanna carry. Now my problem with best friends and then one getting into a relationship, is don't get into a relationship with X person until they've seen and understand your relationship with me! That way when you do get in a relationship, that person knows how it is, there is no doubt and theres a level of respect. Cause of the loyalty you've proven over time, or occasions or whatever. ……I feel I may be the best and worse person to be loyal too. I will be there for you regardless and my loyalty will never be in question if you've proven yours to me. But by the same token sometimes ones loyalty is so much, its taken for granted. I sometimes give off an "I don't care vibe" just because I know that persons loyalty will be there at the end of the day. This is a flaw of mine, I wish I could change it. But at least I take recognition that I guess I'm an asshole. I say that because its really a fu**ed up trait to have. My loyalty won't be questioned, I would hate to break ones trust, or anything like that. But like I said, sometimes peoples loyalty is so strong that I don't take other times seriously. I think I'm done with the friendship part. I kind of want to get into something else real quick. When you're known for a certain act or thing, and it comes with who you are. Giving up that side of you is almost like an addictive drug. Cause you're an authentic person, you're a REAL person. So you feel like as if you can't change, cause if you do everyone will look at you differently now. And that thought scares you, that thought that people see you through a new lens thats unfamiliar to what you're accustomed to scares you. I'm done. Thanks for reading.